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Avalanche of Feelings

Psychotic Imprisonment, what is it? It’s a biographical account of my life that awakens the soul and stirs the mind. What is that feeling you get when you read my book- sadness, understanding, empathy, courage or all of the above? Living in fear and constant feeling of being out place my whole life, I didn’t get it myself not until the professionals around supported me to understand and in some respects accept it.

During the course of my counselling and mental health treatments I have been encouraged to express myself through writing and every member of the team responsible for my care who has seen my poetry has felt very strongly that I need to share my talents with the world. It is their belief that this book will help other people, both in their care and working with sufferers of mental illnesses, to understand better and to raise awareness of these conditions and what the people who have them deal with on a day-to-day basis.

The book is supplemented with 30 poems that are incorporated into the breakdown of each chapter. I found writing poems to be an amazing outlet to all my feelings and emotions in some respect it is my medicine.

Unbeknown to me or indeed my mother, The account of my suffering with depression stemmed from the age of five, it took one horrifying incident to turn my childhood years into my worst nightmare.

Who’d have known a ritual piercing of the ear issuing a hot needle would lead to a snowball effect of derailing mental health issues. At just the tender age of 5 from being a child to being forced to grow up overnight as life’s path began to unveil the journey began to get harder. The events that take place in my life since then escalate from one to another, I feel to afraid to speak out and too much pride to say that please see what is going on inside. My journey deals with a lot of issues that affect society, a lot of which goes unnoticed, unspoken.

With every painstaking age my mind started to battle with the real world. The anxiety of dealing with mental suffering which made no sense at the time.

I didn’t choose to be this way, I didn’t choose to think and believe I am a failure, I didn’t choose any of this.

It just happened but why is it the world doesn’t hear you scream but you can hear yourself so clearly, so loudly, it’s so patronising the biggest bully around you is your own mind- suffocating every nerve in your brain that holds the capacity to think normal.

Sexual abuse of children, what a taboo topic in Pakistan and around the world. As a young victim I feel prey to my abusers, mistaking their actions as affection and care. I didn’t know what it was, I was too young and people didn’t speak or educate you about these things. Their attention became my biggest self-loathing that till this day I struggle to come to terms with. Through watching television listening to the radio reading newspapers I’ve finally come to an understanding that it happens to many children around the world whether it’s a boy or a girl,let’s talk about it in the open. Maybe my book one day can inspire the mind of parents to be that friend to their children that they never feel they cannot trust and speak out. Maybe my book will make adults be more vigilant and look around with opens eyes to those around their children and what they are doing. Just maybe your being vigilant could save your child’s mind from disrupting their childhood and adult life’s to come.

Having to be the ‘mum’ to my younger siblings made me grow up very, very quickly. The solemn little child in me became an adult without the recognition of when that transition ever happened. Moving to a new country, a foreign land with foreign words was tough to say the least. I never really fit in and it would take me a long time before I got along. The language barrier coupled with my quiet nature made me susceptible to bullies and their weapons; racism. The number of children affected by bullying is increasing year on year and sadly in certain cases does lead to suicide amongst our youth. Children cannot always speak out and the bullies do not stop speaking. My experiences developed from bad to worse until one day when I couldn’t take any more, my ability to perform well at school, and achieve my desired grades were effected. Although the bullying and harassment never really stopped, it did lessen and my confidence increased. How many times can you knock someone down before they stand and face you? I want my book to inspire the educational professionals and parents alike accept that bullying occurs in many forms. What is bullying to a child of fragile mind maybe nothing more than harmless play to another. It’s about accepting and listening and understanding. Maybe through this recognition our children will be happier, they will laugh from deep inside and not on the surface. Just maybe.

Losing a family member, how many of us go through this pain each and every day? It affects all of us in some way or another. Sometimes it’s a close relative or a friend other times it’s someone we just knew of. My father was my biggest strength and my idol. I looked up to him and respected him and loved him so dearly, I worshiped the ground he walked upon. I felt cheated that life took him away from us when it did, we were all so young, we weren’t ready. Losing a parent as a troubled teenager was hard, there are no guides and FAQs that make sense at that time. Time is your only friend whilst being your biggest foe. How do you come to terms with it and who do you speak too? Although you want to speak about it,you cannot do it, to avoid hurting others and reminding them of the loss, to avoid seeing them in pain.sometimes you can’t speak because you worry others will think you loved him/her more.How do you not let that pull on strings in your mind, strings that bend and snap over time. How my mental health deteriorated after this was dramatic, my very first suicide attempt happened almost immediately after loosing my father,I couldn’t cope and didn’t know how I was ever going too. I now take comfort from knowing that he is there, I just know he is, Although to get yourself to this stage and to be mentally strong enough into even thinking like this, is a huge battle and comes with years of mental torture and grieving from within. Children who lose a parent at a young age face an uphill battle to recover from it, losing a parent is one loss you cannot forget but one that eventually you learn to live with. Maybe my book will one day get through to those affected by the love of a lost one. Especially where children are concerned. Just maybe.

Having children was and is one of the most emotionally challenging experiences of my life. My children have bought me so much joy and happiness and have been my courage to get through the tough times. They have also been the reason why things were tough. My miscarriage. Premature miscarriage affects so many women around the world and leaves lasting devastating affects in your mind as a parent. I wonder if it was a boy or a girl. What would they look? Would they have my smile? When would it be their birthday? And the question that really eats away at you when your feeling at your lowest is Why me? So many questions that never would be answered. Life throws these challenges at you and you just know you have to battle through, you fight because you can’t lose the fight. You can’t let that side win, you just don’t. I have shared my experience hoping that other women in my situation know it’s okay to speak out and accept what has happened. It’s not your fault, I’d say to them, you couldn’t have done it differently. I want my writing to reach those women and equally those men affected by the loss of an unborn baby. As a parent it can feel there is no bigger pain than that of seeing your child pass before your time. Even if that child hadn’t had the opportunity to enter this world. Maybe one day my book can reach out to those affected and help give them a sense of peace. Just may be

When I say I’m sad,

I really mean it,

Do you hear me,

Or should I scream it,

No matter what I do,

You won’t have a clue,

You let me put my head on your shoulder, you’ll witness how much my pain is true.

The stigma, the stereotypical facade behind a person suffering from a mental illness is that, it’s not real,it’s an act. They begin to think if I’m not like that then why do they use such excuse, I’ve got through many difficult situations in my life but not once I acted like that. “It’s just an act” blah blah blah.

If you’re reading this and that person is you, please listen to me and let me borrow just a few valuable minutes of your life, because who knows those minutes of your valuable time could be someone’s lifeline.

I’m not looking for attention… I am far from that.

Attention makes me more venerable and mentally weak so I don’t want that dark cloud lurking around me on me.

I’m just reaching out to you, just look into my direction and take one step forward for the sake of humanity, treat me like I’m a charity please and find the strength within yourself to read and learn about mental illness, it may just need a stranger like you, To help people like us fight for justice, the court system of our own minds,

To which we bow to every second of our lives.

It’s you who can add value, to help me get through life, yes me I intercept everything it’s just what I do.

I’m a compassionate person I am a captured prisoner of my mind and I do not tread on others feelings ever. I am what I am and only hope people can see through my illness and say that I am also a human being.

Please try to understand just how hard it can be at times.

Did you know how many famous people are bipolar?

We are a rare breed

we are smart for a reason…

Thoughtless people do not understand that most people with bipolar are very smart

We don’t require instructions for anything

It just comes to us Naturally our mind is like a massive search engine it just doesn’t stop calculating. It’s just the turmoil of thought we cannot process and manage its just the overload of data we cannot store and that makes us the way we are, do you notice that sometimes we speak so fast, that’s because our brains (the search engine) are trying match the speed of our mouthes. And because you do not understand that leaves us disheartened and depressed.

Do you look in the mirror

And see yourself scream

Or do you carry on and keep being mean

You’re indenial , Your fragile

Not me, I’ve spoken

As a reward, I’ll pass you my token

So you can see

The flourishing Trees of happiness and fresh breeze

The moment you believe that moment you seize the power of feeling free.

From building the courage to finally writing this book I only spent 3 months. It was all there in my mind, I had lived each moment and it was eating at me. I’m glad to have done this and taken the steps I have done, in some respect I’ve freed a part of that captured prisoner in me.On my journey of managing my demons and staying strong in the face of terror and pain I found strength and courage through tiny hands and feet that called me mummy. We all find different things that give us strength, we all need those things. This book is already touching the lives of many and I have shocked and astounded many around me- some that didn’t think I would do it, and others that didn’t think I could do it. But I have done it, If your belief is strong enough then your willpower is your weapon.

The book is already generating a lot of interest from psychiatrists to those not directly affected. It’s been rated 5* since its publication two weeks ago.

It is also being recommended to patients, to men and women suffering with mental illness. And people around the world are enquiring about the book I’m getting a lot of support through personal emails Being sent to me through the books social media sites, some professional have future plans to recommend it in their practice. This is big step for a small nobody me but it’s not big enough. I haven’t reached out to enough people and I would love to positively help people through sharing my experiences, either themselves or by a loved one. Please help me get there and my voice heard.

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